Put On Hold.
So much has happened these past few weeks, having moved to Birmingham. I only anticipated to be here for my 6 week placement, however I'm actually going to be here for 10 weeks.
The end of my first week here resulted in a shock appendicitis and it really put a lot of things into reflection and perspective. I had intended to move into a place on my own, however a sister was able to offer her spare room to me and how that has been a blessing. Falling ill and needing to go to hospital, I thought about the fears and emotions, if I had been on my own and although I have people around me, there was a fast and difference in care from my flatmate, especially at 2am in the morning.
I was in hospital for 4 days and it gave me time to rest and do nothing: something I have not been able to do for a VERY long time. In my first week, I had plenty of worries about adjusting to life here and the balance of my introvert nature with the lively and tight-knit community here and I really struggled to integrate or feel integrated. However this hospital admission seemed to give me a lot of peace and reassurance over these anxieties, despite feeling under the weather physically. There was a new-found sense of care, love and acceptance that I thought I had been missing here and I realised that people do watch and notice from afar and ultimately, it was somewhat warm as I knew it was Jesus being present. With this, I was gaining a time of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual rest and it threw me off, because I hadn't felt this in a long time and I knew it was God, giving me no choice but to do so.
I've needed to rest a lot more than I thought and I've needed to sleep so much. I needed to push Hillsong's Colour Conference to next year and I was SO gutted, but even speaking to the lady on the phone, it was like God saying 'rest and you can still worship me where you are'. I've needed to gain an extension for deadlines, I've had to push back my placement by two weeks and it means I have to graduate in December. To be honest, I was disappointed and frustrated because I'd worked so hard, with graduation in July in mind. I wanted to graduate in the summer with my girls and my cohort and to have a good summer of celebration; also in time with my other friends too. It's funny because this comes a day after the sermon at church, which was talking about things 'not being fair' and our attitudes and feelings along these lines; and that is what I felt.
But each time I've had a set plan in terms of my academics in my head, it's never gone to plan and I realise that it may be something to do with Jesus again. I'm uncertain of what this summer and autumn will hold now, since my plans have been put on hold and i'm fearful of the future because I don't know what is going on at the moment or what will go on. Things that had been going on seemed to have cooled and a new season is blossoming and I realised how calm my heart has been as I've chosen to trust in Him, that 'things will be okay' whatever it may be.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7. This verse has been cropping up EVERYWHERE and it's been blowing my mind and freaking both myself and a sister out, but it couldn't be clearer what Jesus is trying to say to me, during my time here in Birmingham. It's growing on me and I've been able to see and get to know people I normally wouldn't and it is broadening and refreshing my horizons and opening my heart a little bit by bit. Nerves and anxieties still run through my mind all the time, but Jesus has really been comforting and warming at the moment; challenging the negativity, the pain, fatigue and cold I've had and been through here previously.
Who knows what is going to happen these next 6 weeks to come. It's been crazy how this is my 4th week here already, but God has been good and is teaching me to stop jumping ahead and take baby steps. Things will be okay, for He is good. He's put my plans on hold, for He has even greater to come.