January Onwards.

It's been some time since I last posted, but a lot has happened since then, and good things this time! In Short - I completed my placement (finally!) and I've been feeling a sense of peace and mildness.

I completed my final placement on a Stroke Unit and it was certainly interesting indeed. It was a whole new specialty, with a different level of knowledge, skill and urgency needed. It was a relief to know that I have finally completed these 6 weeks but a sense of confusion came with it - whether I still wanted to continue with OT.

When I had to repeat my A-Levels and couldn't do Law (what I'd initially wanted to do but thank goodness am not doing), I really thought God introduced me to OT and thought this was the way to go. A professional job, with income and role security. A role that involved caring and helping others, which was always my aim; enabling individuals to return to normality or an adapted version of their norm. However, as third year didn't go to plan for multiple reasons, the question of whether I wanted to do it kept creeping in. Health-wise/Physically - am I cut out for such a demanding job, since it was difficult the past year? Although it's interesting, was it me - was it my actual interest? Have I experienced too much of a role that isn't core OT anymore - the present nature of the NHS is discharge, not therapy and rehabilitation. I felt that I almost would be 'settling', if I were to continue with OT - this placement made me realise that I didn't have any particular aspirations with this career/role and I didn't want that for the rest of my life.

I studied History all throughout school and did it for A-Level and it was one of the only subjects I truly enjoyed. I did all essay subjects (and enjoyed them), but went into a science-y degree (like whut) and in hindsight, it didn't really make sense but what's done has been done. I truly thought at the time that the door was closed - I couldn't get past my first year of A-Level so I should do something more practical/vocational but now thinking back, I didn't really seek God for confirmations/answers in the decision. Things cropped up where I thought it was God's answer for me and at the time, it may truly have been; but right now, I'm not sure whether it is anymore and it's funny how He does close doors at certain times, even though it was once was open - and this doesn't just apply to my degree.

The idea lately has been History, with direction into teaching. There are different routes - go back into studying, PGCE, TA work experience, part-time work and then study and the list goes on but as a planner - past events have been teaching me that ultimately I should wait on the Lord for decision-making and confirmation and not rush into something for the sake of security i.e. money, job, house, future. Still, there are lots of things to consider i.e. finances, living, course, work; but it's funny that I feel very confident and grounded about this route, feeling still and hopeful about studying (again), potentially moving to a location that I once wasn't keen on and involving myself into a community I was once wanted to remove myself from. I've been praying, and speaking to people - it's interesting to hear their experiences of moving into a totally different subject, their teaching experiences and also how God brought them to that decision.

It does nerve me. I had my life plan sorted and not one thing has gone to plan. If I go back into studying, I would be 26 or 27 when I graduate again and only then would I achieve a job (or will I?). In high school, I had hoped I would've been working for several years, saved up for a house, gotten married etc. by that time - but I also had thought I would've gone to Uni at 18, studying Law and graduated at 21 and that definitely wasn't in God's picture by the looks of things. But lately - I've felt a sense of comfort and stillness about the thoughts I've been having and the potential changes in my life, both good and bad; past, present and future.

I also completed a 6-week Stress and Anxiety course and although week 1 and 2, I was like "I know all this", but actually to hear it, apply it and practice all the means to adjust negative cognitive behaviour - it made me realise how broken I really have been and I should've asked for help much much sooner. I thought I had surrendered to God, but actually patching up brokenness amongst my relationships with people and situations in my personal life with practical techniques and along with God (losing my control), it was only then that I began to feel FULL stillness and mildness. I also have seen how God is working in the places and people around me too. It's re-opened my eyes to positivity and goodness; and also how I can make moves with God and the people around me to move onto better.

This time last year knowing that I couldn't graduate, I felt rubbish (on top of lots of other things); however if I don't graduate, I guess God's making it fairly clear. Even if I do graduate (hopefully), it might be a start of a new season and we'll just have to see.

I received this verse when it was the February birthdays at church:

"Commit your work to the Lord and He will establish your plans." -Proverbs 16:3

But it carries on to:

"In their hearts, humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." -Proverbs 16:9