So I've not been on here for a good long while. These past few months have consisted of problems from start to finish but hey, we're getting there.
What I will talk about on here is the word: enough and the feeling of "not being enough" or "being good enough". Truthfully, in my family home, I haven't met the expectations of my parents. In fact, I'm viewed quite the disappointment and this has probably been within the space of 1 year. I'm compared to others quite a lot and naturally, I began to compare myself to others and this is where these feelings are most prominent.
I've always been quite a steady-going person: school, friends, church, sports etc but it never bothered me if I wasn't at the top of the class. But one thing I have always compared is body image. As a gymnast, I was always and still am muscular-bigger in the places I wanted to be considered 'skinny'. Having thyroid problems also didn't help because of medication and extra water weight. But lately, I've noticed the extent of my comparisons with others: appearance, personality, traits, interests etc, after people stated their expectations of me, explicitly compared me and after facing hurt, distrust and disappointment.
The theme for PHAT CAMP 2019 this year was "Home" and it was a difficult week. Even the night before, spiritual attacks told me "I wasn't good enough, I wasn't worthy of going to serve, I'm not a good person/christian", which gave me thought to pull out right before. Facing people who'd hurt me continuously made me think I'm not good enough and that I can't do this or do that because there are people better than me in all areas. However throughout the conference, my role gave me time and space to confront so many things going on in my life and about myself and also gave me a chance to listen to my own advice that I ask God to give to others through me.
A mentor mentioned that our earthly homes wherever we are, will never be considered enough right now: only when we are reunited with God, will it be enough for us and will it be home. They also said how no-one will satisfy or be considered enough, other than the Father Himself. Pastor said that we never feel that we can fully be enough: BUT WE DON'T NEED TO BE. For God calls those 'not enough', and qualifies those called. He wouldn't call you to serve, He wouldn't give you opportunity, He wouldn't be gracious or loving if He didn't see that we are enough as we are in His eyes - when we seek HIM and His qualifications - for He is the one who loves, the one strengthens, the one who forgives, the one who is greater than all of us put together.
There is a healing process still on-going and it's required a lot of space. I always make progress and then seem to fall behind 10 steps back but that's okay, for we are human too. PHAT CAMP 2019 reminded me of His promises and of His control and how He will prevail. It also reminded me of His size and goodness that covers all and that is why we are small and He is bigger and greater. His truth and word is so much vaster and greater than we think we are.
This is only a brief smidge of how I've felt this past year I guess and we don't need to go into the dark and harsh details. For God's light overcomes all of that right now.